4 Followers
25 Following
Melodious87

Tell Me a Story

Graphic Designer, painter, dreamer, fashion addict, unhealthy obsession with shoes and jewelry. Film lover and oh yes....books! :D
The Perfect Wife - Lynsay Sands Omg. There are awful books and then there are just plain awful books. This is one of the latter. I had so many issues with this book from start to *near* finish. I tried finishing it, don't even ask me why. Good lord the dialogue and non-existent plot just put me to sleep and don't get me started on the ridiculous hi-jinx plot points and bizarre dialogue. This was just a 'Oh good g-d, what in the HELL is this??' kind of book for me. Just awful. So incredibly awful I don't even know where to start...

I'm not sure if this was supposed to be meant as 'humorous' but if so, she completely lost me. It doesn't take much to make me laugh or amuse me but this book was just all kinds of weird for me and near painful to read. It was just bizarre. I almost thought I was reading a spoof on a HR story or a skit from SNL, a campy skit intentionally done over-the-top just to get laughs. I have no idea. I've read Regency/historical romance books with humorous dialogue or tone and this definitely wasn't it. None of it came off as humorous to me but rather ridiculously silly and contrived and really embarrassing plot points to humiliate the heroine for g-d knows what reason. What? To make the bafoon idiot hero play hero and be all manly? Uh no. Fred Flinstone is more of a man and 'gentlemen' then this moron Paen. And while I'm at it, I just could not understand why the author was so adamant in putting the poor clueless heroine through stunt after stunt of mind-numbingly humiliating 'incidents' just to create some kind of 'misunderstanding' between her and her husband Paen. It just made both characters look incredibly TSTL. And yes the fact that someone was behind it was obvious but lost my interest quickly because I was losing patience with how many times the heroine was humiliated in front of her husband and his family. Give the poor girl a break. Because of this, both characters just came off looking idiotic, silly and not even remotely interesting.

And speaking of TSTL, I knew I was in trouble when in the second chapter the heroine's mother thought it was a brilliant idea to BIND her daughter into her wedding dress which was like 2 sizes too small just because the other dress (and ONLY other dress) was wrinkled. And of course if that wasn't enough, trying to get her to trudge along all the way to the church on foot while she was literally turning blue, gasping for breath and about ready to faint. Here's a better idea...if the dress doesn't fit her let her wear the other one. Duh.

But the thing that just really galled me and annoyed me the most was the ever oblivious hero, Paen. The most flat lifeless hero I've read about. I pretty much knew nothing about him while 2/3rds into the book. Not a good sign. He grunts and mumbles throughout the story barely spending anytime with his new wife believing she's inept, frail, uneducated, clumsy, etc. etc., so instead of helping her like any other husband would do he keeps running to his parents asking for their advice and getting them involved in nearly everything. I mean really?? His wife asks him simple questions and he acts so horrified and shocked he runs off to ask his parents for advice like a schoolboy. He came off as a complete brute to me, a completely clueless, insensitive, boring brute with no personality whatsoever. The only interest he shows in his wife is when he can bed her. RME. And the heroine thinking her gallant husband is 'oh so brave and sweet!' while trying to save her when he thinks she's drowning is not even remotely funny or cute, considering the fact that he parades her around in front of everyone BUCK NAKED with her ass up in the air on top of a horse. Hhhhell NO.

But the final line for me (you would think after that awful idiotic horse incident it couldn't possibly get worse RME) that turned me off completely was the scene where Avelyn asked Paen where the servants were in the house and in his ever graceless patronizing way tells her upstairs-- as if she's a halfwit, stairs which mind you are are clearly broken and missing some steps. Instead of helping her up that walking death trap like a decent human being with a brain he just grunts an answer to her and goes off to his business. Uuuum what? Exactly what part of this book is supposed to be romantic or funny for that matter?? I seriously struggle to understand what author would expect any reader to find this shit funny or cute or even remotely romantic. Complete tosser for me. I could not understand the characters who were all completely one-dimensional, dialogue boring as ever with some major grammar issues or just confusing as hell to understand and plot points that were more loosey goosey and cringe-worthy then 'funny'.

And another thing that bugged the crap out of me is why every. single. chore and activity of the characters' had to be described in full detail (including taking trips to the river to go to the bathroom uh WTF?) I mean..are you kidding me? Meanwhile, the hero and heroine barely got any alone time together or actual interaction. So ridiculous. Total headscratcher for me. The author spent sooo much time on the most mundane stupid things and dragged out descriptions for no reason when nothing really happens instead of having the H/HR interact. Can I ask whhyy??

I try not to be too harsh or offensive in reviews but really, I don't understand what the author's intention was with this story at all. There wasn't much of a plot to begin with, a bunch of dialogue and a lot of summarization but very little action. I was 300 pages in and nothing really happened except for a string of humiliating incidents b/w H & HR. At least flesh out the hero and heroine, I have no idea what Paen even looks like except he has dark hair, is a giant and is well endowed. pfft. Come. On. So silly. Give a little more love to the characters you create and maybe then I'll love them in return.