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Graphic Designer, painter, dreamer, fashion addict, unhealthy obsession with shoes and jewelry. Film lover and oh yes....books! :D
Fifty Shades of Grey  - E.L. James I just...have no words. Actually yes I do. PLENTY.

First of all, I just could not finish this for the life of me. I tried but the writing and storyline and characters just turned me off completely and nothing was grabbing my interest. I don't want to even leave a review cause clearly I didn't finish this. But there is so much shit about this book that freaking bothered me and pisses me off that I have to just let it all out. So forgive me in advance for my psychotic crazy-girl rantings. You've been warned....

I really can't comprehend how a book this POORLY written, non-edited, with such atrocious one-dimensional characters and cheap awful BDSM theme could possibly be this successful much less get a freaking movie deal! I mean really??! This is what women are running to bookstores all over the country for and drooling over?! O_o It breaks my literature-loving heart.

It's not even the fact that it's an erotic romance that I'm reacting to. Far from it. I was preparing myself for some major raunchy scenes and lots of BDSM kinky stuff but what I got was just a whole bunch of...BLAH. My expectations were never high with this to begin with. This book has been hyped up, over-publicized for being naughty, scandalous, the 'bedroom bible' for mothers, married couples (are you freaking kidding me?!). I've seen several of my co-workers at work sneak it in at lunch time and read this. Plus the whole movie deal thing. I finally gave in. And yet here I am sitting here scratching my head clearly not getting it. The 'erotic' theme in this book, the 'sex scenes' (if you can even call them that. Ha!) are so slap stick and utterly ridiculous. There is nothing remotely steamy, erotic or sexy about this. NOTHING. If you are looking for Rawr! 'oh g-d this is wrong but so sexy it hurts so good' kind of erotic romance? This is so not the book IMO. Disturbing and awkward is more like it! I've read 'how to' sex columns in Cosmopolitan magazine more sensual and erotic then this crap. pfft.

And that's just a part of it. The two main characters in this are a real trip. We have Anastasia Steele, a shy self-conscious 21 year old journalist major who by chance meets Christian Grey, a rich business typhoon/entrepreneur. I did not like the hero in this. At. All. This guy was such a piece of work that I couldn't even bring myself to list him in any of my 'tormented bad boy' shelves. Just NO. Mr. Grey comes off as a complete unforgiving control freak with obsessive compulsive tendencies that veer off into unhealthy not normal behavior. He's trussed up as this 'dark brooding' hero who has a mysterious background, who's cold and misunderstood and loves dominant sex. The guy is a walking nutjob IMO. The issue I have is there is NOTHING whatsoever romantic about this story or the couple, nothing about it to me was about love or overcoming difficult emotional real-life problems.

When the guy gloats and gets a thrill out of you being sore from all the ‘hard fucking’, when he constantly refers to having sex as ‘basic training’ and is a complete careless brute with you when it’s your first time and you are giving him your virginity there is little room to call any of this ‘romantic’ or categorize this guy as ‘heroic’. Please let’s not. Let’s call it what it is cheap kinky BDSM smut. Simple as that. To fantasize or hype this up as anything more is ridiculous to me. There is no misunderstood tormented dark hero who finds his redemption in a young innocent virgin (RME). The author had to seriously stupefy the girl in this to make the ‘relationship’ work. I mean yes she’s naïve and inexperienced but she’s supposedly smart. Which is why I was completely dumbfounded to see Ana willingly sign this ludicrous ‘contract’ this fool gives her the first night without READING IT first, it was so beyond moronic. You are that desperate and HOT and bothered by this guy (who you met a few days ago) and willing to give him your virginity that you sign a contract just to hop into bed with him?? O_o Girrrrl. Get it together, suck it up, drive your ass back home and find a job. You can do sooo much better then this freak of nature.

Christian is completely insensitive and careless when it comes to Ana’s wants and needs. She freaking loses her virginity to this guy (which he doesn’t handle well when he finds out she’s a virgin) the sheets are bloodied and she’s a little bit uncomfortable by it yet all he can do is stand there and shrug like a moron saying the maid will get an eyeful when she sees it. @_o What. the. fuck? She asks if she can talk to her friend Kate, confide in someone who knows more about sexual intimacy because she has questions and it ‘goes against’ the stupid confidentiality rule he’s asking of her, she asks, begs and pleads with him again if she can talk to her friend and what does the insensitive asshole do? ROLLS HIS EYES. #$%^&*()@#$%^&*@?! *rage rage RAGE!* So I ask again to all the ladies I've seen melting and squeeeeing! over this guy: THIS is what you find sexy and so swoon-worthy? Cause I. just. don't. get. it.

I swear to g-d the guy really was asking for it. He’s a domineering chauvinistic dickwad who likes to have what he wants when he wants it and gets pouty and surely and mean when he doesn’t. He snarls and glowers when she's even talking to someone of the opposite sex. And the ‘stop biting your lip!’ You must eat Anastasia’ redundant lines really does NOT help. And yeah don't even get me started on the writing in this. The loooong painful redundant inner dialogues. This should be called “Fifty Shades of Inquiry” with amount of inner dialogue and redundant questions Anna keeps asking herself. I’m surprised the poor girl’s brain hasn’t short circuited or fried out with all the exhausting over-thinking and questioning she keeps doing for every. little. thing. The constant “What does it mean? What does THAT mean? What does HE mean??" -_- Between that and Grey's 'stop biting YOUR LIP!!!' and 'sorry baaaby's' I got a raging headache.

Ana pretty much has to ‘gain’ or earn her right to do certain things. And that includes eating, going to the bathroom, wearing certain clothes, drinking, etc. The guy would even freak out over erotic dreams she had something I really didn't understand why. What? You want control over her subconscious too you prick? RME. He seemed to not like her getting off without HIM being involved and giving her orgasms and that even includes the dreams she has. @#$%^&*() What kind of fuckery is this? And this goes far beyond playing dominant and sub sex roles. He completely took over controlled all aspects of Ana's life. And have I mentioned he asks no, demands that she exercises 5 days a week 'to stay in shape', he doesn't want her to gain weight or become unfit. Yes cause that's what every girl wants to hear from a guy they are in a relationship with. That sure does help a woman's self esteem and it's tres sexy the way Christian demands it right??. RME. His completely OVER the top obsessive controlling behavior was just too much.

I kept getting this underlying hostile treacherous not-so-sane quality to Christian that just seriously wierded me out and I could not for the life of me buy this guy as being so ‘lovely’ as I've seen others refer to him (REALLY??!).

And this whole ‘fifty shades of fucked up’ business is really just laughable. Yes the guy is clearly screwed up but if he’s supposed to have this dark wounded soul that we are supposed to sympathize and swoon over….lost me there completely. He completely lacks any emotional depth. The guy doesn’t like to be touched. That’s never explained as to why yet he likes to do all kinds of kinky foreplay, rough sex and play dominant. There was a total disconnect between the two. And Ana’s constant gasps and cooing over this guy like he’s this amazing troubled thing she can’t help but love is so ludicrous. It’s unhealthy. I wanted someone to knock some sense into this girl with the amount of crap she puts up with all because she's drawn to this guy and falls for him. Ick.

Also one of the main issues I have with Christian Grey is that he does not act or sound like his age. No 27 year old young man sounds like this guy. I don’t care how cultured, privileged, experienced or worldly you are. It’s just suspending belief to have a guy this young talk like he walked out of a regency romance novel who keeps referring to the heroine by her full name or Miss Steele. It would seriously get under my skin every time he called her Miss Steele plus it came off so patronizing to me. He carries himself like some 40 year old billionare with stuffy principles stuck in the old world. He’s extremely private, likes control over everything, commands attention and is domineering in every way and oh yes he can scold and frown and chastise you like you are a naughty five year old. And I know I'm being awfully redundant but explain to me again how any of this is romantic or sexy? If you have a thing for guys acting twice their age who love to control every thing you do or say and are uptight snobs then sure. Otherwise forget it. I just had a really hard time buying into this guy. Sure there is always something appealing and romantic about a guy having a dark enigmatic quality to him, but Mr. Grey came across more like a secrete homicidal pedophile who has a penchant for Dom sex. Even how he’s described psychically wigged me out. Always dressed in polished clean suits or slacks, the long fingers, that habit of his rubbing his lips with his fingers, his long fingers. Eeek! It really creeped me out there was nothing attractive about this guy in personality or looks. He’s the next or more modern day version of American Psycho. His eerily calm way of talking, giving demands and quickly loosing his temper. Yikes. There's that underlying thing you can’t put your finger on with him. If he’s supposed to be some deeply tortured tormented hero who girls should fall at their knees over. Sorry lost me. He’s nothing but a sever Type A personality with OCD tendencies who likes rough dominating kinky sex.

And as for a movie coming out for this? *groans* It's part of the reason I was intrigued and gave in finally to reading this. But now.... the only way I could possibly be tempted in seeing this or believe it as a film is if Michael Fassbender or Alexander Skarsgard played Grey. Those two could sell the underlying skeevy dark twisted seriously tormented guy but SELL it and make it sexy. Anyone else? Ha. Sorry but NO.

ETA: Just to add some yumminess to this psycho-rambling review. :D

Feast your eyes on this....


YUP. Christian Grey in living flesh. ONLY way I will freaking watch this movie is for that^^^ up there. Now THAT is lovely.